Introduction

You’ve heard the word sonder — even if you didn’t know it had a name. It’s that quiet, aching flicker you feel on a crowded bus when you glance at a stranger and suddenly realise: that person has a life as vivid, complex, and important as yours. They have financial worries, love stories, secret hopes, and a grocery list for someone they love. Your life is the centre of your universe, but you are not the centre of theirs — and the world is full of people who will never know your name.

Sonder was coined by John Koenig and popularised by his book The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. It has become one of the most-shared psychological concepts of the last decade, and for good reason. When your life hasn’t followed the script — when you don’t want children, or you’re not sure you do, or you love children but choose not to have them, or you tried and life had other plans — sonder is the medicine you didn’t ask for.

Because here’s the thing: the people who tell you that you’ll change your mind, or that you’re selfish, or that you’ll be lonely when you’re old — those people are living inside their own sonder, too. They are projecting their story onto your life. The quiet remedy is to remember that their story is not your story. And it never had to be.

What is Sonder?

Sonder is not about disconnection or nihilism. It is the opposite: a deep sense of connection to humanity. But it can also surface the grief of the life you thought you would have. That’s a normal part of the process — and it’s worth feeling it before you start building the life you actually want.

Sonder (noun): the realisation that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own — populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries, and inherited nonsense.

The word was coined by John Koenig in his project The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, and it has since entered the mainstream lexicon. If you’ve ever felt a pang of irrational empathy for a stranger on a train, you’ve experienced sonder.

Why does sonder matter for the decision to have children? Because the decision to have children is often made inside the sonder of other people’s lives — and so is the decision not to.

When you look at your sister with her three kids, your best friend who is utterly certain she wants a baby, your colleagues who ask “when are you having kids?” as if the bus would arrive on time — you are seeing the surface of their sonder. You are seeing the highlight reel, the exhaustion, the joy, the mess. And you are comparing it to your own whole inner world, with all its doubts, fears, and knowing.

That comparison is never fair.

These numbers tell a story that is rarely told out loud: you are not the only one. You have never been the only one.

Why Do Some People Want Children?

Let’s start by taking the desire for children seriously. For most people, wanting children is not a rational choice — it’s a biological, social, and emotional cocktail that starts early.

• Biological foundations. The desire for children is influenced by hormones, neurobiology, and the evolutionary instinct to continue the species. For some, this shows up as a genuine “yearning” that is hard to ignore.
• Social scripts. From the moment we are children, we are told stories that culminate in “happily ever after” involving a family. Weddings, baby showers, family sitcoms, and grandparents’ gentle pleas all reinforce the message that having children is the default path to fulfilment.
• Cultural expectations. In many communities, becoming a parent is a rite of passage. The status of “mother” or “father” is tied up with being seen as a “real” woman or man.
• Fear of missing out (FOMO). When everyone around you is having children, it can feel like you’re being left behind in a life experience that doesn’t come around again.

The desire to have children is powerful and real. It should be respected. But it is not universally present, and it is not universal in its intensity. The research on the psychology of parenthood decisions—summarised in this overview from Psychology Today —shows that the strength of the desire to have children varies enormously from person to person.

If you are trying to decide whether you want children, separate the question “Do I want children?” from “Am I afraid of missing out?” FOMO is a terrible life-decider. Write a list of your own reasons for and against — not your partner’s, not your parents’, not your friends’. Just yours.

Why Do Some People Not Want Children?

The reasons people decide not to have children are just as diverse as the reasons people do. And they are not broken reasons. They are legitimate, evidence-based, and increasingly common.

• Personal preference. “I’ve just never felt the desire” is a complete sentence.
• Financial reasons. In a 2024 Pew Research Center survey, financial concerns were among the top reasons adults without children said they hadn’t had them.
• Concern about the future. Many people worry about passing on hereditary conditions, or about raising children in a world with climate change and economic uncertainty. Research from The Guardian found that “climate anxiety” is now influencing family-planning decisions for a significant minority of younger people.
• Freedom and career. It’s common for women in particular to feel that having children would force them to choose between a career they love and a child they want. This isn’t a sign of selfishness; it’s a rational response to a world that still doesn’t provide equal support for parents.
• No maternal/ paternal instinct. Not everyone feels that switch flip. And the presence or absence of that instinct has no bearing on your worth as a human being.
• Health and medical concerns. The Mayo Clinic notes that for people with chronic health conditions, pregnancy can be risky — and opting out can be a form of self-care, not failure.

If you don’t want children and you’re in a relationship with someone who definitely does, don’t “hope you’ll change your mind later.” This is the single most common source of heartbreak in relationships where one person wants children and the other doesn’t. Be honest, and let the chips fall where they may (gently).

It’s also worth saying this loudly: not wanting children is not a mental health problem — the research is clear on that. A recent British Medical Journal (BMJ) review found that people who are childfree by choice show no differences in mental health or relationship satisfaction compared with parents, once you control for all the variables.

Why Do People Without Children Feel Broken?

So if being childfree is normal and healthy, why does it feel so… broken?

Because sonder cuts both ways.

When you do not see yourself reflected in the world’s stories, you begin to wonder if you’re invisible. And when everyone around you has a “reason” you should suffer — “you’ll change your mind,” “you’d be a wonderful mother,” “who will look after you when you’re old?” — after a while, you start to internalise the noise.

Here’s what’s really going on:

1. You’re experiencing “ambiguous loss.” Even if you don’t want children, the possibility of having them can feel like a little warm light in the distance. As long as it’s still possible, you don’t have to grieve it. When you decisively choose childfreedom, you close that door. And closing any door, even one you never intended to walk through, is loss.
2. You’re bucking a master narrative. We all rely on “scripts” to guide our lives. When your life diverges from the script—especially one as central as family formation—you are thrust into the role of “unexpected.” And that’s uncomfortable when people treat you like a puzzle to be solved.
3. You’re carrying the weight of other people’s sonder. Their worry about you, their unexamined assumption that they know what’s best, their FOMO for you—you feel it. You are an empathetic person, so you absorb it. But it’s not your voice. It’s theirs.
4. You haven’t been given the language. This is exactly why sonder is the right idea at the right time. It names something you already feel and haven’t been able to say. Once you have language, you have power.

If you’re feeling broken, try a “gratitude reality check”: write down three times you’ve felt sonder in the past month. Chances are, those moments were so full of presence and connection that there was no room for shame. Practice noticing your own vividness. You are the stranger in someone else’s sonder today.

The Alternatives: A Different Kind of Life

Here’s what the life without children can look like—the parts that nobody warns you about:

• More spaciousness. You have the time to foster deep friendships, to be the “cool aunt” or “cool uncle,” to develop your craft, to rest.
• More autonomy. You can pick up and move states or countries. You can change careers. You can have mid-career hobbies and still retire comfortably.
• More money. The U.S. Department of Agriculture has estimated that raising a child to age 17 costs more than $230,000—and that’s before college. Childfree adults have more discretionary income to save, invest, give away, or spend on experiences.
• More stillness. You can have a messy, beautiful, unstructured life that doesn’t revolve around nap schedules.
• More chosen family. The Harvard Study of Adult Development has shown that the quality of your relationships in midlife—not the quantity—is the strongest predictor of happiness. “Family” is something you can build from friends, partners, mentors, and community. It is not only a biological bond.

What if I change my mind?

This is the question that haunts so many childfree people under 40. The good news is that the research on decision-making and regret is pretty clear: most people who consciously decide not to have children and later change their minds are still able to have a fulfilling life. Some have biological children later; some adopt; some foster; some find a “bonus parent” role with a partner’s kids.

The worst-case scenario—where you want children at 42 and pregnancy doesn’t happen—is real, but it’s not the common ending. And more importantly, avoiding a decision because you’re afraid of someday grieving the thing you didn’t do is not a good reason to make a major life decision now. You can’t make your future choices from a place of fear and have it end well.

If you are in the “trying to decide” camp, do not use the “I’ll change my mind” line to end conversations. It silences you, keeps you small, and contributes to the very stigma you’re trying to escape. Try this instead: “I’m not ready to have that conversation yet. I’m figuring it out.”

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Is it normal not to want children?

Yes. Not everyone wants children, and the American Psychological Association notes that being childfree is a valid, health-promoting decision for many adults. The numbers are growing. According to Pew Research Center, the share of women aged 40–44 without children has risen significantly over the past four decades.

2. What is sonder?

Sonder is the feeling of realising that every other person you meet is living a life as vivid and complex as your own. It was coined by John Koenig. When applied to the decision not to have children, it can be comforting: other people’s lives are their stories, not your story. You don’t need to live your life according to somebody else’s plot.

3. Is it normal to feel sad about not wanting children?

Yes. It’s possible to feel sad about not wanting children and simultaneously to be completely at peace with the decision. This is called “ambiguous loss” — mourning the life you didn’t choose while embracing the one you did. It’s normal.

4. How do I stop feeling broken for not wanting children?

You don’t “stop” feeling something by force. Instead, you can start practising sonder for yourself: become curious about your own story. Ask yourself: What did I need to hear as a child that would have helped my adult self feel less alone? Write it now. Then find a therapist who is childfree-friendly. A good therapist can help you separate external family pressure from your own genuine preference.

5. What if I change my mind later?

It’s valid to worry about this. Most women who are “childfree but open” do have a window in which they could change their mind, and that’s a privilege worth acknowledging. But making a decision to have children in order to avoid future regret is almost always a bad reason. Parenthood should be a “yes” you’re certain about — otherwise the answer is “no.” You can always revisit. That’s not a failure; that’s just how life decisions work.

6. How do I tell my parents I don’t want children?

Start with kind, honest communication. You don’t need to justify yourself or “defend” your position. Consider using sonder to your advantage: “I know you worry about me. But just like you had your own life, I’m having mine. I love you and I want a relationship with you, and I need you to trust me on this.” Setting boundaries is not selfish; it’s necessary.

7. I want children but my partner does not. What do I do?

This is one of the hardest situations in a relationship. Sonder can help you see that your partner isn’t being cruel — they’re being honest about their limits. And you owe them the same honesty in return. Seek a couples’ counsellor who specialises in attachment and family-planning conflict. But know this: in most cases, “one person wants children, the other doesn’t” is not something that can be fixed with enough conversations. You both deserve a life where your core values align.

Conclusion

You are not broken. You are not alone. And you are part of a rich, diverse, and growing community of people who are quietly living their sonder—who have decided that their own vivid, complex, and one-time-only life is a life worth designing on purpose.

Sonder is the quiet remedy because it reminds you that nobody else is living your story. Not your parents. Not your friends. Not the strangers who give you unsolicited advice. They are the protagonists of their own lives, full of their own worries and justifications.

So the question is not: “Why don’t I want children like everyone else?”

The question is: “What do I do with the freedom I’ve been given?”

And the answer is: Use it. Build your life with intention. Sonder your way into the future — because you are the only person who gets to decide how that story ends.

Ready to Continue?

If you’re tired of feeling broken, confused, or alone in your decision about children, there is a better next step than just “hoping it gets better.”

The Childfree Life: A Course for Women & Couples is designed to help you:

• Find clarity (without the noise of other people’s opinions)
• Navigate conversations with family and friends
• Build a life full of meaning, connection, and purpose — without needing to be a parent
• Handle the “big questions” (What if I regret it? What if my partner changes their mind? What if I’m wrong?)

Use code QUIET2024 to save 15% on the course.

Get the Course (Fearless Guide WordPress theme “Childfree Life” – use code QUIET2024 at checkout.)

Or, if you’re not ready for the course, here are three things you can do today:

1. Breathe. You don’t have to decide anything today.
2. Journal. Write two paragraphs of sonder for yourself: “My life is complex. My reasons are my own.”
3. Change the subject. The next time someone asks when you’re having kids, say: “What an interesting question. Why do you ask?” Watch what happens.

Sources

• John Koenig, The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows – Sonder
• Pew Research Center – Adults without children
• American Psychological Association – Parenting & family
• Mayo Clinic – infertility: symptoms & causes
• BMJ – review of psychological outcomes for childfree adults
• The Guardian – Why people are choosing not to have children
• Harvard University – The Harvard Study of Adult Development
• Psychology Today – Sonder and its meaning
• USDA – Cost of Raising a Child

Notes

This article does not constitute medical or mental health advice. The decision to have (or not have) children is deeply personal, and no one-size-fits-all answer exists. If you are experiencing significant distress, grief, or anxiety about this topic, please reach out to a licensed therapist or counsellor. You deserve support that is non-judgemental.